Feminist Dumbass

Eileen Kelly is loud and proud about her age-gap relationship.

Eileen Kelly recently published a piece in Vogue about her age-gap relationship. In the 2010s, Eileen was a sex educator and blogger who wrote candidly about sex and relationships. She first started blogging at 16 on Tumblr, and her platform grew from there. Eileen is now 30, and started dating 63-year old Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers last November. Her recent Vogue article is about how she is not a gold digger, and that her age-gap relationship is unlike other age-gap relationships.

Eileen’s case for her relationship being honest and virtuous included that “older women are never criticized for dating younger men,” something about power imbalances, and that people find connection across all ages. Lucky for Eileen, the first older guy she’s connected with happens to be a rockstar who owns a house in her favorite part of Hawaii. In the article, she doesn’t write much about what she likes about Anthony, but she does write about the fashion designers and film producers she’s met since she started dating him. His friends seem to be in age-gap relationships, too, and they think it’s totally cool. Eileen also defends her choice on the grounds that older men naturally feel incredibly lucky to have a younger woman, and know that they can’t screw it up. Anthony’s last three girlfriends were under 23.

I’m sure Anthony Kiedis is a fun person to date. Aging coke addicts can be a lot of fun. He was the lead singer of a great band. He has a house in Hawaii. He probably has some publishing contacts. But Eileen is trying to sell to us that she feels a unique, non-material connection to him, and I don’t believe her. I don’t think she is attracted to him. They won’t grow old together. Kids aren’t on the table, or shouldn’t be. Eileen might be rational in partnering up with him for her own career growth and exposure, but she’s put a price on her companionship and sold it.

Eileen Kelly needs to defend her position as not-a-gold-digger because she wants to be taken seriously as a writer, and serious writers don’t social climb so shamelessly. But Eileen is now in a bind because her writing would be a lot better if she reconciled the dissonance and was honest about her motivations. In trying to prove herself as independent and self-aware, she comes across as neither.

Self-delusion is harmful because the buck stops at the lie. You give up the ability to evaluate and analyze your position in order to support the narrative you want so badly to be true. “Connection can happen at all ages” prevents you from asking “Why can’t I access the circles or lifestyle I want on my own merits?” and “Do I even want or need those things?”. I hope Eileen can get out of this and challenge her thinking a bit more. The type of sex education and dating content she’s created lost momentum toward the end of the 2010s, but I think she’s capable of bringing it through a new lens.