Poly Hostages

Lindy West is in a bad place.

The New York Times recently featured author Lindy West in its Modern Love column. Lindy West used to write for Jezebel magazine, has two memoirs, and wrote the autobiographical TV show Shrill on Hulu. Lindy West writes about feminism and being fat. In her memoirs and her interview with the NYTimes, she discusses her struggles moving through the world as a fat person, particularly as a fat woman, and the warmth and love she felt when dating her now-husband.

Lindy’s second memoir, Adult Braces, is something of a revision of her previous memoir and essays. In her first memoir Shrill, Lindy ends the novel describing her fairytale proposal and wedding to her musician husband, Aham Oluo. She wrote essays about their quirks, communication styles, and affections. In Adult Braces, published this year, she admits she had left out the detail that Aham never wanted to be monogamous and made that known to her before the marriage.

Lindy West’s husband looks like an even-more-metrosexual version of The Weeknd. Before marrying Lindy, he had been twice divorced with two kids before the age of 27. He cited “jealousy and possessiveness” as his reasons for getting divorced, and said that monogamy wouldn’t be healthy for him. He broke up with her once before they got married, and got back together with her on the condition that he could fool around behind her back. In an interview with him, Lindy explained that initially they maintained a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for their affairs. Aham dated around from the beginning, it’s unclear if Lindy ever saw other people throughout their relationship.

After they got married, a fan reached out to Lindy to tell her she saw Aham kissing another woman at a bar. That’s how Lindy found out that her husband had a girlfriend. Lindy went on a month-long road trip to process this information. The girlfriend moved in with Aham while she was away. The three of them are currently living in Lindy’s childhood home, which she inherited. Lindy now claims that she is in a happy polyamorous throuple, and wouldn’t want it any other way. At the end of Adult Braces, Lindy describes sleeping alone in their guest bedroom while her husband is in bed with his girlfriend. He posted this about the girlfriend on her birthday.

I’ve tried watching some interviews of Aham and Lindy to find out what is so magical about him. I don’t speak their language. They use a therapized, overprocessed Portland-speak that I’m unfamiliar with. I was able to parse that Lindy is highly insecure and terrified of being alone. It was really confusing to me why she wouldn’t kick this couple out of her house. I get that she might be lonely or doesn’t want to date again. But surely being alone is better than constantly being rejected by your own partner.

If Lindy leaves her husband, she’d have to come to terms with the fact that he abandoned her. If she stays and accepts this convoluted arrangement, she can live in a reality where he still loves and chooses her. She can warp history to how she sees fit, and package it as progressive enlightenment. It turns out, she’s actually bisexual and is totally fine with her husband shutting her out of their bedroom. Her therapist even says so. I hope she can wake up and get out.